A Year of Blessings

On Saturday, our little man turned one.  What an incredible journey this past year has been.  From the all consuming fear we felt with his arrival, to the triumphant joy we felt as he overcame obstacle after obstacle...the ups and downs have been extreme.  Yet the downs have been overshadowed by the miracle of the ups.  Many years ago, when I was having a bad day, my grandmother asked me where I was exactly one year ago to that moment.  I couldn't name it.  Her point was that these bad times will at some point be insignificant or just a memory.  A year ago today Gavin coded in the ICU.  I can remember every sound, smell and feeling I had for those terrifying hours as I prayed with every cell in my being that God would spare my child and bring him back to me.  Today, one year later, we are in an amazing place.  Gavin has changed so many lives in this year and has showed us what a strong, resilient, happy and loving little boy he is.  He laughs with his whole body.  He babbles with so much energy and the excitement he exudes when he accomplishes something new in physical therapy would touch anyone's soul.  Four surgeries, two cath labs, weeks and months in the hospital...and he is the happiest child I have ever known.

Gavin is doing GREAT!  He will be going into his fifth surgery in a couple of weeks to reverse his ostomy.  Our baby will finally be whole again.  About a month after his revision, his intestines came back out, so for the better part of eight months he has lived with his intestines outside of his body.  And while it has become a normal part of life for us, it is a much anticipated change to have that wound become a healed scar.  So we are making the rounds to prepare him for surgery.

He got a check in the box from cardiology.  His last angioplasty seems to be holding this time meaning we don't need any other interventions for his heart in the near future.  He has his vaccines up to date and is weighing in at a nice 18 lbs 6 oz.  So close to that ideal 20 lb mark that we thought he wouldn't reach until 2 years old.  Next week we will meet with an occupational therapist to get a baseline for feeding therapy before his surgery, and Gavin will get a swallow study while in the hospital to give us a more comprehensive picture of his feeding challenges.  From a sleep study, we have results that Gavin has severely obstructed sleep apnea.  The doctors and anesthesiologists are working together now to see how that will play into his anesthesia and this upcoming surgery and we will most likely see an ENT before we can move forward.  Gavin is also due for a hearing screen and then we return to the eye doctor to see if he needs surgery on his eyes.  That surgery will have to occur after he has fully recovered from his abdominal surgery.  While this sounds like a lot, Gavin really is doing amazing and overcoming obstacles every single day.  We take the challenges as they come, but these challenges are about improving Gavin's quality of life and we see so much improvement on a daily basis.  I just love this kid!

Gavin is developmentally at the age of a six month old.  And you know what?  I love it.  I am getting to thoroughly enjoy every moment of the baby stage.  He is still so cuddly and loveable.  He is a complete snuggler.  I wouldn't rush through these moments any faster.  We are getting time that others say goes by way too fast.  Every milestone he hits is after months and months of hard work and he earns every bit of progress he makes.  I couldn't be prouder of him.

Gavin has changed our lives in such a profound manner, and through that, many of you have changed our lives as well.  The prayers, the meals, the diapers, the help with cleaning the house, the phone calls, the words of encouragement, the donations of your time and talents....they have all made our journey easier and filled it with faith in times when faith was difficult to find.  I could never properly communicate the impact so many of you have had on our lives, but you know who you are.  Family, friends and strangers who have become both family and friends to us.  Please know that you have made an astronomical difference in our lives and there are wings waiting for you in heaven.

We had such an amazing turnout for Gavin's first birthday at the Step Up for Down Syndrome Walk.  Thank you so much to everyone who came out to celebrate with us and thank you to everyone that walked with us through life over this past year.

 

Visiting Duke

Well, last week we returned to Duke for a few tests and a second angioplasty.  Gavin had another lung profusion scan, a sleep study and an angioplasty to address his left pulmonary artery stenosis.  It took a while to get Gavin's IV in for his lung profusion scan, but every nurse that tried, ended up holding him and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to him, because that is the song Lorelai sings to him when he cries.  It was so endearing to see how patient and loving they were towards him.  The lung profusion scan and the heart cath showed that blood flow to Gavin's left lung was reduced by about 50% after the narrowing of his left pulmonary artery.  Luckily, after using two different balloons, the angioplasty was successful enough that he didn't have to have a stent.  The cardiologist warned us that Gavin may still need a stent at some point, but hopefully this buys us some time to get past the infancy stage before we may need to have that higher level of intervention.  There's always the possibility that this fix holds and we're done with cath labs!

We should have the results for Gavin's sleep study next week.  He didn't sleep too well through the night, but he did give me plenty of smiles and cuddles.  He slept fine as long as I held him, but the machines weren't running the tests like they needed to if he wasn't in the crib.  We survived it together and hopefully we'll hear positive news next week.

 

While at Duke, Gavin also received a speech therapy consult because he coughs fairly often when drinking a bottle.  The speech therapist noted that Gavin was showing clinical signs of aspiration while feeding and recommended that Gavin begin feeding therapies pending the results of a swallow study.  I'm still not sure exactly what that means for us, but it's pushed to the "worry about next week" list for now.

 

 

Today, Gavin went to the eye doctor.  His pediatrician recommended the ophthalmology consult a couple of months ago.  Gavin has a lazy eye and he has diminished vision in that eye.  He has to begin wearing a patch over  his strong eye for two hours a day, in order to force his weaker eye to work and grow stronger.  He was also fitted for glasses which he should get next week to help with some of his vision issues as well.  We will try this approach for two months.  If there isn't significant improvement, then Gavin will need to have the issue surgically corrected in about three or four months.  Sigh.  For the record, that would be surgery number six.  So we're going to try the patch and glasses for two months and pray that it works for our baby and that he doesn't need surgery.  Either way, we'll make it through as a family and make sure that Gavin feels all of the love that surrounds him.  Now, to get toy eye patches and glasses for Lorelai, because I know she's going to want some when she sees Gavin's.  Kids are so cool like that.

 

Next week will be Gavin's nine month well baby check so a lot of test results and new plans of care will be developed.  Thank you for all of your kind words, encouragement and prayers.  Our days are getting easier and our little man is growing and changing every day.  His smiles, laughs and coos make everything else so insignificant. 

Nine Months Old and Proud

Gavin turned nine months old yesterday.  Every time we hit another month of life, I am again blown away by the miracle that he is.  His smile and his laugh make me want to hug him tighter and tell him how much I love him and how incredibly proud I am of him. 

So what specifically am I proud of this month?  Well, Gavin had his fourth operation a couple of weeks ago.  His prolapsed ostomy was revised, meaning his intestines are now back inside of his body (HOORAY!!!!  No more nights crying on the stairs!)  He also had a hernia that needed to be fixed near his ostomy site and he had his tongue tie clipped to help with eating and speech later on.  This was the first surgery that we have taken him to the hospital the day before surgery.  The past three surgeries have all taken place as a necessary life intervening operation when he was already lying sick in the hospital.  This time, he was healthy and while necessary, this surgery was not based on a life or death situation.  PROUD.

When Gavin had his last cath lab visit, the anesthesiologist did not listen to me when I said that Gavin could not come off of the ventilator in the OR.  He took Gavin off early and we sat in the Post-Anesthesia Care Unit watching Gavin struggle until he was given two breathing treatments and two doses of morphine, with the anesthesiologist standing by his bed doing nothing besides humbly stating he should have waited.  I still believe that had the doctor listened and waited a while longer, that Gavin would not have had that experience.  So for this surgery, I was adamant with the anesthesiologist (a different one this time) that Gavin not come off of the ventilator in the OR.  I went through Gavin's past struggles coming out of anesthesia, and she looks at me and says "Ok, well my goal is to take him off in the OR."  Chris looked at me and his eyes got big as I visually changed from polite and conversational to the mama bear advocate who comes out anytime a doctor who does not know my child tries to tell me what he does or does not need when I have lived with him through months of surgeries, ups and downs and hospital stays.  She noticed the change too and quickly said, "I'll wait to take him off."  (What's funny is right before she came in, the nurse that checked us in said she's the mom of a special needs child and she told me, "Mom, remember, you are his advocate here. Advocate, advocate, advocate!")  If there is one thing I can share with parents just starting out on a journey with a sick child, it would be to advocate for your child.  Not every doctor has the right answer and not every doctor knows what is best for your child.  There is nothing worse than having a doctor who won't listen to your concerns.  But there is also nothing better than a doctor who does listen, who includes you in your child's care plan and who genuinely knows and cares for your child.  The latter had been our experience the majority of the time Gavin has been sick.  People who are truly called to be nurses, doctors and surgeons are so often the extension of God's hands and I am forever grateful for the great ones that God has placed in our path to watch over and care for Gavin.

Gavin's surgery went beautifully.  And we were surprised to see him in the PACU not on a ventilator.  The anesthesiologist came out and said she decided to give him some medicine to jump start his heart and breathing so that she could take him off in the OR.  Now him giving him that medication was completely unnecessary and she could have just left him on the ventilator for half an hour more, but I chose to hold off on that conversation until I do my patient care survey.   At that moment, I just wanted to hold my sweet baby.  Gavin was doing great and that medication did get him off the vent without the need for subsequent breathing treatments.  He was given two doses of morphine for pain management and we were in a room in about an hour.  He had one of his nurses we had during his last operation, so there was a home-like feeling of being somewhere familiar.  We were expecting to stay in the hospital for 48-72 hours, but after 24, the surgeon thought he looked great, Gavin was only taking Tylenol for pain and he was eating like a champ.  And we LOVE our surgeon and have so much faith in him, so we were at home and happy one night after surgery.  Talk about being a pro!  Gavin was in a great mood nonstop after surgery and ostomy life is back to being almost easy! PROUD.

We went to see the surgeon yesterday for a post-op check up and he said Gavin is looking great...and that he has a healthy glow to him!  We don't have to go back until Gavin is 20lbs and ready for operation number five to close the ostomy completely.  He weighed in yesterday at 15 lbs 4 oz.  Still tiny for his age but steadily gaining! PROUD.

Gavin also rolled over this month.  After a few months of physical therapy, that is the BIGGEST milestone to date.  I actually squealed and clapped my hands when he did it.  I had a huge smile on my face for the rest of that day and I still get that smile any time I think of that moment or see him roll again.  He has great head control, he's getting stronger with his assisted sitting and next month we'll be ready to try some solid foods.  PROUD.

Next week, Gavin has another big week of tests and procedures.  We will be going to Duke for a lung profusion study to get a better idea on blood flow from his heart to his lungs through his left and right pulmonary arteries.  This will help determine if he needs an angioplasty or stent in his heart.  After his lung profusion study, he'll spend the night at Duke for a sleep study because the cardiologist was concerned about how loud Gavin breathes.  The next morning, he'll wake up and go into the cath lab for that angioplasty or stent.  He'll spend at least one night in the hospital after that, and have a swallow study done before he's discharged. 

As I've said before, there are risks with the stent placement.  Where it would need to be placed is covered in veins and arteries that are typically not there, but have grown in response to his open heart surgery.  This causes an increased risk of nicking any of those veins or arteries.  Also, that stent will have to continually be expanded as he grows which translates to multiple cath lab visits and can only be removed through open heart surgery.  We are praying that the lung profusion study shows no need for a cath procedure at all, but if something must be done, that it is only an angioplasty.  (It's crazy to say ONLY an angioplasty in regards to your child, but it all that he's been through, it really is ONLY an angioplasty!)  Regardless of what procedure he must go through, I KNOW that he will do great, because he is strong and healthy and has a team taking every precaution to do what is best for him.  We are excited to return to Duke and visit the Peds Cardiac ICU to thank all of the doctors, nurses and respiratory therapists who helped save Gavin's life and show them just how wonderfully he is doing!  Look how far he's come since then....PROUD!

8 Months Strong

Gavin turned 8 months old yesterday.  It's amazing how strong and healthy he looks now!  He is now 14lbs and we have been working with a physical therapist to help him gain strength and meet new milestones.  He is rolling side to side, but hasn't gone front to back or vice versa yet.  His head control is getting stronger and he is progressing quickly with his assisted sitting.  We're hoping to start introducing some solids next month. 

I've been asked by a few people if it bothers me that Gavin isn't doing things that a "typical" 8 month old would be doing.  It honestly doesn't.  He has been through three life intervening operations and had an angioplasty.  He has two more operations and another angioplasty with a possible stent placement.  I could care less WHEN he rolls over, sits on his own, crawls, walks, talks or runs.  I am confident that he will do it all.  But we have been given a miracle in the very life of Gavin and the kid has been through some tough battles.  I am not in a rush to get to the "next" step...I love every minute of where he is now and the fact that he IS here now.  He smiles and laughs and coos and brings so much joy to us.  I'm not focused on milestones...I'm just loving the journey :)

Next week, Gavin will go into surgery for an ostomy revision.  The surgeon will essentially re-work Gavin's ostomy so that all of his intestines will stay inside of his body and make ostomy life a little easier for us.  Gavin's prolapse is so significant that there is a real risk of infection or some type of outside damage to the intestines.  He will still have the ostomy with the goal of 20lbs before he can be closed up for good.  But his intestines will finally be back on the inside, his hernia will be fixed and the surgeon is also going to clip Gavin's tongue tie.  If all goes well, we should spend 2-3 days in the hospital.  While I'm nervous, there is a little dance going on for no more pushing intestines in!

On the same day Gavin has surgery, our Rottie will be having orthopedic surgery.  Last year, this might of overwhelmed me.  This year, I'm using my support system to make sure everyone is taken care of and where they need to be.  That translates to: I love my parents!

I'm nervous and scared, as usual, with Gavin going into surgery.  But Chris is here and this surgery is about making Gavin better, not saving his life.  He is strong and healthy.  Stronger and healthier than he has ever been going into the OR.  The surgeon today went through the risks associated with surgery and commented that he feels silly telling us since we're pros now, but he had to do the obligatory speech.  I don't have as many questions as I used to because I have learned so much in the past year.  I feel extremely comfortable with the surgeon and my baby boy is amazingly resilient.

In about a month, Gavin will go to the cath lab at Duke.  Before that, we will do a swallow study, a sleep study and a lung profusion study.  The first two are somewhat normal in the overall care of kids with DS.  Gavin chokes pretty often on his milk, which is most likely a lazy trachea, but the swallow study will let us know if it is something more serious.  The sleep study will check for any signs of sleep apnea, but at this point, the test is more an aggressive approach to Gavin's care than any real concern.  The lung profusion study will again look at the blood flow from Gavin's heart to both of his lungs.  This will determine what will happen in the cath lab.

The cardiologist at Duke is hesitant to put a stent in Gavin.  At  this age, the rate of growth is so rapid, that Gavin would have to go back to the cath lab several times to adjust the size of the stent as he gets bigger.  The hope is that the profusion study shows things are fine, or that an angioplasty may fix the problem.  Putting hardware into Gavin's heart will be a last resort.  I love how cautious and comprehensive the care is at Duke.  They are truly amazing.

At this time, those are our big summer plans.  We always stay flexible for the unexpected, but it feels like we are in a good place and staying in that good place for a while.  I think to where I was a year ago when I first found out that Gavin had DS, and where I am today.  Talk about a blessing in disguise.  This little boy is so perfect and exactly as he should be.  Who knew that so much fear and doubt could become so much hope, confidence and love?

Welcome Home Daddy!

For those of you who don't know, Chris finally made it back home!  We were at the airport at 4am the day he arrived and Lorelai was very excited.  She started crying when I woke her up, but once I told her we were going to get Daddy she instantly perked up and reminded me multiple times not to forget her "Welcome Home Daddy" sign.  She started getting tired while we were waiting, and had just started crying when Chris walked up behind her.  When she turned around and saw him she just held up her arms for him to pick her up, gave him her sign and hugged him tight.  There was such relief knowing he was finally home.  Gavin, on the other hand, slept through the whole thing.

The first time Chris helped me changed Gavin's ostomy bag after getting home, he was pretty shocked at how much intestines live outside of Gavin's body now.  But he's back in the swing of things now and has even done two bag changes on his own. 

As I was catching Chris up on things, I told him how people have been bringing us meals several times a week.  He couldn't believe how many people who have never met us before have just stepped up to help our family when we really needed it.  I filled him in on folks who have come to help with Gavin and Lorelai during the week or for bag changes, and made him sit down while I showed him the life altering gift given to us by Veterans United Home Loans here in Virginia Beach.  We were given a year's supply of diapers, maid service, a date night on the Spirit of Norfolk, some toys for Lorelai and a full day at the spa for me!  To just have someone walk into our home and change our lives like that left me shocked and speechless.  Even now I don't know what to say.  The generosity and kindness of people continues to inspire me and give me strength.  I cannot wait to pay this forward.  Everyone should get to experience that moment at some point in their lives and I would love to be a part of that moment for someone else.  It is indescribably beautiful. 

As soon as Chris started getting used to the ostomy bag, he was able to experience a trip to the ER with both kids.  I think he was somewhat stressed out with having Lorelai and Gavin there, the crying, the questions, the doctors, the tests...I thought it was the easiest trip I've had there so far, because he was with me.  But, of course, it's always stressful.

Gavin had just had a great checkup with his pediatrician.  He was looking better than ever, he was closing in on 13 lbs, had a successful first physical therapy appointment and we were relaxing about finally getting a break.  And that night things started to change some.  Gavin started coughing, he was breathing harder and faster, he was throwing up every feed before eventually refusing to eat, and his intestines became extremely swollen.  I called the surgeon on call and he recommended bringing Gavin into the ER.

Once we arrived, Gavin was tested for RSV, sepsis, and had xrays of his chest and abdomen.  His heart looked enlarged and he had signs of a respiratory infection, but his abdomen seemed to be ok and there were no signs of sepsis or intestinal infection.  There didn't seem to be any answer as to why his intestines were swelling.  While in the hospital, Gavin's oxygen levels dropped to 72 which required him to go on oxygen through the night.  It was scary, but such a different, more calming world having Chris with me when all of this happened.  We never had an answer or treatment options from the hospital, so we left with Gavin the next day once his oxygen levels stabilized.

We heard from our cardiologist the following day.  He felt that this ER visit and these symptoms were related to Gavin's heart, and just increases the urgency with which we need to get Gavin into the cath lab for a stent in his left pulmonary artery.  Due to the severity of the stenosis there, his blood is shunting and mixing which is causing a buildup of pressure, oxygen and blood in his chest which is finding an outlet through his intestines.  In addition, Gavin now has an abdominal hernia which is putting additional pressure on his intestines.  The general surgeon wants to take Gavin into another surgery for an ostomy revision.  Basically, he would put Gavin's intestines back in his body, fix his hernia and then make the ostomy opening smaller so that his intestines will stay put in his body.  This would be an additional surgery that was unexpected, but would help us get to the 20lb goal mark Gavin needs to be at before going to have his ostomy closed.  But, general surgery can't do anything until Gavin's heart is fixed.

So next week we will go to Duke for our cath lab consult, be in the cath lab a week or two later, and then once recovered, meet with surgery to find out when Gavin will go back into the OR.  If his stent placement goes according to plan and provides the relief needed, Gavin should go into surgery sometime around the end of June or beginning of July.  Then, between 12-18 months of age, he will go back into surgery to have his ostomy closed.  It's crazy to think we're coming up on our second cath lab procedure and fourth operation with Gavin being seven months old.  But he is a fighter, and certainly bigger and stronger than he has been prior to any other operations.

I am just so thankful that with these new complications, Chris is here with us.  It certainly is an answer to many, many prayers.  Our family has truly been blessed by Gavin, this journey we're on and the support and love we've received from so many of you.  Life if scary, uncertain and fragile at times.  But it is also precious, healing and resilient.  We have to hang on to our faith and keep hope during the dark times.  And we can do that because we've lived through miracles, we know our guardian angels are watching over us and we've seen the beauty hidden in the dark times.  We've seen those who have joined our journey and helped us when we fell down.  We've seen Gavin grow and heal and smile and laugh.  He is such a powerful little boy who has profoundly changed our lives for the better. 

Six Months Strong!

Gavin is officially six months old and going strong!  I am in awe that I am sitting here writing this, thinking of the fear and uncertainty that filled our lives six short months ago.  We are more blessed than any family should be.

Gavin just weighed in at a whopping 11 lbs 6 oz.  He's in the fifth percentile for height and weight, but he is steadily gaining and holding to that fifth percentile line.  So while he is still quite a tiny warrior, the size of his fighting spirit is massive.  Three operations, a heart catherization, and two ER visits down and he is doing amazingly well!

His size and developmental milestones put him at about a three to four month old age range.  He spent his first three months in the hospital having operations, so I see this as God's way of giving those three months back to me to spend with my baby boy.  The times that I couldn't hold him when I wanted, or the days he remained unconscious...God has been so gracious to give me that time back with my son.

For DS babies, six months is a pretty big milestone.  It starts a whole slew of other appointments and preventative care measures that track his health and progress, so that we may intervene as soon as possible for any other challenges that pop up.  For the month of May alone we will:
     *Return to audiology for another hearing test
     *Go to opthamology for an initial eye exam
     *Draw blood work to check thyroid levels
     *Repeat newborn screen blood work (It came back abnormal for certain cell counts at Duke, but Gavin has had so many blood transfusions, that we have had to wait until he is back to all of his own blood before a repeat test can be drawn)
     *Blood draw to determine if Gavin is anemic, or if there is some other reason why his color is dusky
     *Cardiology for the start of his once every three month echocardiograms (down from once a month!)
     *Physical and Occupational Therapy once a week (There has been a freeze on services for folks on the wait list, but that freeze lifted and we were pushed to the top of the wait list due to the severity of Gavin's needs for therapy.  I am SO excited to get started and see what my little man can do!)
     *General surgery just to check in with Gavin's ostomy and prolapse
     *Pediatrician for a weight and vitals check just because she likes to check in on Gavin every three weeks :)

Whew!  Looks like all of my vacation time from work will be in doctor's offices just for the month of May!  But I don't really mind.  It is more time during my day that I get to spend with my baby boy.  Sure, it's not the most ideal of settings, but I still get that time that I would normally not have while at work.  And, by the end of the month, we will have an even clearer picture of his health status and hopefully check some things off until he hits his one year mark.

But, as many of you already know, May won't be SO overwhelming with appointments and therapies.....because help will soon be flying back over the Atlantic!  For every one of you who helped us by writing letters to our Congressman, we thank you!  His office was able to move mountains that wouldn't budge before that inquiry was filed.  You took a few minutes to write a letter on our behalf, and in doing so, you helped bring attention to our case which resulted in a hardship transfer being granted!  I apologize for all of the exclamation marks, but there is so much excitement, anticipation, hope and RELIEF that my other half will be home soon.  Everytime Lorelai hears a plane, she asks if it's Daddy coming home.  I can't wait to tell her when it really is!

So wow, this past six months has been one heck of a journey full of some pretty hard and challenging times for our family.  But we survived it as a family.  Watching our child struggle and fight for his life from the day he came into this world is something that has forever changed us.  Watching him win that fight and become a medical miracle has forever changed us as well.  We have been fighting uphill battles for many months now.  But, it seems as if we are just reaching the peak of the mountain and taking in the breathtaking view of God's beautiful world.  Our son is STILL HERE and is growing stronger each and every day.  Our family will be together again soon.  Our guardian angels are surrounding us in full force.  And peace fills our home and our hearts.

We are certainly aware that we have more battles and surgeries to fight with Gavin.....but, for now, can I get an amen to the off-season!

Filling the Gaps

During Gavin's last hospital stay at CHKD,  I met another mom with a son who had some of the same health issues Gavin has.  She told me that God does give us more than we can handle sometimes, but during those times he fills the gaps with others who will help us through.  This takes me back to the force of guardian angels surrounding Gavin and our family.

It wasn't even two weeks ago that I broke down on my stairs at being so overwhelmed and feeling like I couldn't make this journey on my own anymore.  I sat there holding Gavin with Lorelai sitting beside me, and broke at the reality of not being able to do this on my own.  And then the most amazing thing happened.

I literally saw a jaw dropping force of guardian angels rise up to fill those gaps for us.  Within hours, there were phone calls of "Tell me what to do." "We want to help." "What do you need?"  There was a site set up for people to bring meals during the week to make our nightly schedule a little easier.  There were people from out of town asking how to help.  There were friends of friends who said, "I'm here for whatever you need."  Not that people haven't offered to help before, but this was the first time I had a spirit to be able to accept that help.  I don't even know the vast majority of these angels who have come to help us.  But I do know, that every single person has been hand picked to come into our lives and help us in times when we are not strong enough on our own.

The sweetest couple came over to deliver dinner one night, and mentioned that Gavin was on their church's prayer list.  I always love hearing stuff like that.  Gavin is a very special little boy.  He has churches all over the country praying for him!  An old family friend who happens to live in the area, came over to help with a bag change AND some much needed adult conversation!  To just have a moment that wasn't about work or the kids was a rejuvenating.  Last night, I was just beginning to have trouble with a bag change when my doorbell rang with an angel bringing dinner, and an extra set of hands to help with a bag change.

One morning this past week, I opened the door and there was the sweetest card and two stuffed animals on the front porch.  The note said it was "something to brighten Lorelai and Gavin's day."  As a mom, seeing love and consideration like that for your children makes your day too.  Lorelai put Gavin's gift in his carseat, and she did so for the rest of the week every morning we were getting ready to head out for daycare.  She has taken her toy to daycare every day too.  I asked her if she knew who brought her the present, and she said, "the Easter bunny rabbit."  I had to laugh.  I told her no, that an angel came by our house and left us a little piece of love that day.  Now everytime she holds that toy, or points to Gavin's, she says that it's from the angel.  Just tonight, I got a message that two sweet boys wanted to mail us a picture to make us smile since we were having such a hard time.  That is so heart warming. 

I cannot express enough how comforting this has all been.  I hope that everyone knows how much this means to our family, and how grateful we are for this powerful force of guardian angels.  Things have gotten to a point where I cannot physically do it all on my own.  But as soon as I fell down, our family was surrounded by an army that picked us up and are carrying us until we become stronger and learn to handle the weight of these new challenges.  There is darkness and apathy that makes our journey more difficult.  But I have to say, that those darkeset times are no comparison for the light and grace that floods our path and brings us through the harder days.  For the hard times, tears really only come on the days that I feel like I cannot do what is best for my children on my own.  If my life is harder, oh well.  But when it seems as though my kids are suffering, that is heart wrenching.  But I can never control the tears that come from someone's kindness and generosity.  You may think you just cooked a meal.  Or dropped off a stuffed animal.  Or wrote something encouraging.  Or mailed a picture.  But those actions have so much impact on our lives that I could never appropriately thank everyone for exactly what you have provided.  More time to spend with my kids.  More smiles on their faces.  One less item on the to do list.  Hope.  Love.  The beauty of humanity.  Kindness.  So to all of our guardian angels, to all of you who have followed our story and given us strength, thank you for filling the gaps when our burden was too heavy to carry on our own.  Thank you for surrounding us in love.